Star Trek: The episodes they never let you see!
by Arana Mai
Summary: My parodies of TOS. WHEE HOO! *Spock and Eggnog is now up!*
1. The Redshirts Strike Back!

centerStar Trek: The Episodes That You Never Got To See!/center  
  
Hello! I am Arana Mai, the author of the Star Trek Fanfictions you are about to read. I just want to issue a fair warning to everyone: THESE ARE ONLY SPOOFS. DON'T TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY! For I am the queen of madness, and Jim, Bones and Spock are my pawns! BWAHAHAHAH!  
  
Anywhoo, enjoy my mad but entertaining spoofs on one of the greatest sci-fi television shows in the WORLD!  
  
Whee hoo!  
  
Arana  
  
Discliamer: I don't own Star Trek, Majel Barret Roddenberry does! DOI!  
  
center"The Redshirts Strike Back!"/center  
  
Captain James Tiberius Kirk sat in the center chair and drew in a sigh. McCoy stood at his left.  
  
"Whassa matter, Jim?" McCoy asked.  
  
"I'm bored," Kirk mumbled.  
  
"Scanners indicate our ratings are dropping, Captain," Spock said, turning from his station.  
  
"Visual!" Kirk snapped. Sulu snapped on the ratings scanner. Sure enough, their ratings were down 20%. "Damn those third season episodes!" Kirk turned to McCoy. "What do you think, Bones? New love interest for me? A new enemy for us to blow up? Kill a Redshirt?"  
  
"Gee Jim, we always get popular whenever Spock shows his weaknesses," McCoy replied. Spock cleared his throat and shook his head rapidly.  
  
"How about a combo episode?" Kirk suggested. "I get the girl AND we get to kill a redshirt."  
  
"Sounds good," McCoy said. "Now all we need is a planet to beam down onto."  
  
"I agree," Spock said. "Captian, a small planetoid ahead. It's called Seti-Alpha Women."  
  
"I like the sound of that name," Kirk said.  
  
"I suppose you would, Captain," Spock said. "It's a planet inhabited entirely by women."  
  
"Oooh!" Kirk squealed. "Quick! To the transporter room! Security!"  
  
"ISecurity, O'Brien here./I"  
  
"Send down two security officers to the transporter room. Send my condolences to their widows." "IYes, Captain./I  
  
* * *  
  
Kirk, Spock McCoy, and Nameless Redshirt # 1 and #2 materialized on a grassy plain on the planet. There were mountains on every side of them, and a few trees speckled the plain. The grass was a deep green; almost too green.  
  
"Well, Spock, McCoy," Kirk said, crossing his arms over his chest. "It looks like that time of the week again for bad acting, bad makeup, cheesy special effects, a new love interest for me, and maybe we'll even get to see a couple of redshirts die."  
  
Both the nameless redshirts fidgeted nervously as the regulars stared them down with a hunger in their eyes.  
  
"Captain, I believe you will be interested in what's coming this way," Spock said. Kirk whipped around and saw a tall, elegant woman walking toward them.  
  
She was young, only about 21. She had long, wavy black hair and equally dark eyes.  
  
Kirk wiped the drool off his face and led the group towards her.  
  
"Hello miss," Kirk said.  
  
"Greetings and salutations," she said. "I am Minerva."  
  
"I'm Kirk, this is McCoy and Spock."  
  
"And those two?"  
  
"Oh, the redshirts?" Kirk glanced back at the two and shrugged. "Who cares?" Minerva pressed her lips into a thin line.  
  
"Indeed."  
  
Kirk walked up to her and put his arms around her waist. She raised a puzzled eyebrow.  
  
"What do you say we forget the intellectual chit-chat and the cute, romantic soft-focus close-ups and skip to the big make out scene?"  
  
Minerva raised both eyebrows. Kirk leaned in to kiss her and she bashed her head against his. Kirk fell back and McCoy held back a snicker.  
  
"What the hell did you do that for?!" Kirk shouted.  
  
"Pervert," Minerva sniffed. Spock raised an approving eyebrow. "If you'll come with me, gentlemen."  
  
The group followed Minerva across the plains to one of the mountain ranges that surrounded them. Kirk was pouting, and as they walked on the edge of a cliff, he shoved Nameless Redshirt #2 over the side of it.  
  
"That's IT!" Nameless Redshirt #1 screamed. "I'm SICK and TIRED of useless deaths!"  
  
"Jim, that man is no longer breathing!" McCoy said, pretending to be appalled. Kirk shot him a look. "I've been thinking up new ways to say, 'He's dead, Jim.'"  
  
"I'm not dead yet!" A voice called.  
  
"Yes you ARE!" NR1 shouted back.  
  
"I feel HAPPY!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" NR1 fired his phaser at NR2 and vaporized him. NR1 then pointed his phaser at Spock, McCoy, Kirk and Minerva. "We've got some terms that you WILL follow." NR1 flipped out his communicator. "Redshirt Lear to IEnterprise./I" "Enterprise, IRedshirt O'Brien here!/I" "Five to beam up." "IAye./I"  
  
Redshirt Lear, Kirk, Spock, Minerva and McCoy materialized in the transporter room. Three more redshirts with phasers met them there and took them to a briefing room.  
  
"All right, fine!" Kirk exclaimed, defeated. "Only one death every seven episodes and higher pay for all those in the union." Kirk glared at Lear. "Happy?"  
  
The desk comm wailed. Kirk flipped it on.  
  
"Yes, what is it?"  
  
"ISir, we've got a 'WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!'-class starship on our scanners. It's sending out waves of aggravation."  
  
All the Redshirts in the room suddenly leaped out of their seats and started to beat the crap out of each other. One of the redshirts came up to Spock and showed off a bunch of karate moves.  
  
"I learned that from a China man!" the redshirt exclaimed. Spock gave him the Vulcan nerve pinch.  
  
"I learned that from my cousin," Spock said flatly.  
  
Kirk was engaged in a battle with another redshirt. The first time he'd been hit, his shirt immediately ripped for no reason. It was now torn and tattered.  
  
"We've got to get to the bridge!" Kirk gasped, knocking out the redshirt. Spock and McCoy nodded, and then left.  
  
They got to the bridge quickly. Kirk sat in his chair and Spock went to his station. McCoy stood by the turbo-lift doors and watched.  
  
"Sir, the ship left after sending out the waves," Sulu reported.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Sulu," Kirk said. "Spock! Report."  
  
"Apparently, the aggravation waves are only affecting the redshirts."  
  
"Thank you for stating the obvious. McCoy! Suggestions?"  
  
"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a script writer!"  
  
".Right," Kirk muttered. "What do we do?"  
  
"We could hypnotize them and order them to stop being aggressive," Spock said.  
  
"Too boring," Kirk said, waving the idea away.  
  
"Why don't I go in the lab and concoct some form of a tranquilizer that will calm them down and rid them of the aggression?" McCoy suggested.  
  
"It makes too much sense."  
  
"Why don't we just kill them off?" Scotty said.  
  
"Excellent idea, Mr. Scott! How do we do it?"  
  
"Well, I could rig up poison gas to leak in the vents on all decks,"  
  
"How long will that take?"  
  
"It's already been done!"  
  
"DO IT!"  
  
Scotty pressed the button. Gas leaked out of the vents and the redshirts dropped like flies.  
  
Gas suddenly leaked out of the bridge vent.  
  
"Scotty, you MORON!" Kirk exclaimed just before he and the rest of the bridge crew fell to the floor.  
  
* * *  
  
Kirk awoke to the face of Minerva. She was leaning over him, concerned.  
  
"Are you all right?" She asked.  
  
"Hey baby."  
  
"I'll take that as a 'yes.'"  
  
Kirk arose.  
  
"Spock, what happened? Aren't we supposed to be DEAD?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Apparently Captain, death is only temporary for the regulars," Spock replied.  
  
"I see."  
  
"Captain," Uhura said. "I'm getting a message from Starfleet. Our ratings are up 50%."  
  
"Not bad," Kirk said. "Now what do you say we go down and have some REAL fun?"  
  
All the remaining crewmembers (except for Spock and the female crewmembers) beamed down onto Seti-Alpha Women and had a wonderful time being massaged by six women at a time (each) and being able to brag about their adventures.  
  
That is, all but Kirk, who ended up being slapped around until he learned that it's not good having more girlfriends than there are planets.  
  
THE END (Of this story)  
  
Up next: The Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles! 


	2. The Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles

Authors note: Yes! I'm back with ANOTHER short story I'm sure you'll all love. It's a quaint little piece I wrote called "The Trouble With Man- Eating Tribbles!" I'm sure it'll be a classic. ;)  
  
Disclaimer: I'm Arana. She's Majel. She's rich. I aren't. So therefore, Star Trek isn't mine. If it was, then you'd be really sorry because you'd end up with weird crap like the stuff you're about to read.  
  
centerThe Trouble With Man-Eating Tribbles!/center  
  
After visiting Seti-Alpha Women, the IEnterprise/I and her crew (well, at least the men) left completely refreshed, relaxed, and redshirt-free. The only nameless crewmen left onboard were the blue- and gold-shirted crewmen.  
  
Minerva, the leader of the planet Seti-Alpha Women, had decided to stay onboard the IEnterprise,/I with them and was given a job in the life- sciences with Spock as his protégé. After much begging and pleading, she got a shirt and pants rather than the mini-skirt.  
  
Kirk sat in the center seat and sighed contentedly. Minerva and Spock were putting the last pieces of information on Seti-Alpha Women's vegitation, climate, and population into the library computer.  
  
"Ratings and morals are high," Sulu said.  
  
"Set a course for that plot complication over there," Kirk said. Sulu nodded and steered the ship over to it.  
  
"Captain, scanners are picking up a planetoid ahead. It had one ship, a federation freighter, in its orbit," Spock reported.  
  
"Uhura, hail them," Kirk said, leaning forward and striking a thoughtful pose, waiting for the picture no one would ever take. "I smell a great conflict."  
  
"And Iden/I, get THIS, he's awl, 'FYI, you're NOT the best dressed chick in IStar Trek!/I" Uhura paused. "Uh huh, I know! What nerve!"  
  
"Uhura." Kirk said, trying to get her attention.  
  
"Oh, yeah! I know what you mean, gurl!"  
  
"Uhura!"  
  
"Mmm hmm. Yeah, you know, I used to get dat too. I tink, on the whole, Preparation H feels good."  
  
Kirk flicked a confused glance at McCoy, who shrugged.  
  
"Yeah, chocolate ice cream is MY favorite flavor, too!"  
  
"UHURA!!"  
  
Uhura jumped. She put a hand to her chest and glared at Captain Kirk.  
  
"What do you WANT, Jimmy?" Uhura said, doing a weird little head-wiggle. "I'm TRYING to talk to one of my guuuuuurl friends here!"  
  
"Well, Miss Uhura, do you THINK you could hail the freaking freighter? You know, and actually do your JOB?"  
  
Uhura muttered something obscene and turned back to her control panel.  
  
"Yeah, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later." Uhura hung up, then opened a new channel for the Freighter. "IEnterprise/I to Freighter Bob, Bob please come in." She paused. "Nothing sir."  
  
"Let's beam over and check it out," Kirk said. Spock, McCoy, and a Red-"  
  
"Captain, we have no Redshirts," Spock reminded.  
  
"All right," Kirk said, scanning the bridge. "Minerva, you're part of the landing party.  
  
"As you wish."  
  
"Bridge to Sickbay," Kirk said, tuning on a communicator.  
  
"ISickbay, McCoy here./I"  
  
"Meet us in the transporter room. Kirk out."  
  
* * *  
  
After a quick briefing with Doctor McCoy, Kirk, Spock, Minerva, and the good Doctor materialized on the bridge of Bob.  
  
Kirk gasped. There were skeletons all over the bridge. McCoy walked over to one, felt for a pulse, and announced, "He's dead, Jim."  
  
"Thank you for stating the obvious, Doctor McCoy," Minerva said flatly.  
  
"What happened?" Kirk asked.  
  
"I believe we could find the answer in the 'WE'RE GONNA DIE!!' log," Spock said, moving over to a control panel.  
  
"Can we access that log?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Accessing," Spock mumbled. "Onscreen."  
  
The face of the frantic first officer filled the large viewscreen. There was static every few seconds, but Kirk could pick out what the officer was saying. Screams from the other crewmembers could be heard in the background.  
  
".Killed the captain. beamed from planet. The. exhibited violent behavior and. AHHHHHH!"  
  
A large fluffy thing threw itself at the view camera and broke it. Spock and McCoy raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What WAS that?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Perhaps the answers could be revealed by beaming onto the planet," Minerva suggested.  
  
"Good idea, Minerva. To the transporter room!"  
  
Kirk, McCoy, Minerva and Spock materialized on the planet's surface. They were out in the middle of the street in what appeared to be a town from Earth's "Old West" period.  
  
The town looked deserted. The streets were empty, the windows closed and boarded up. A pin drop could've been heard.  
  
"Where is everybody?" McCoy thought aloud.  
  
"I. don't know," Kirk replied.  
  
There was suddenly a soft noise. Well, it was soft at first, but gradually got louder. It sounded like many things purring all at once. Kirk, Spock McCoy and Minerva all turned around and saw a huge group of tribbles "stampeding" toward them.  
  
"Quick!" Kirk shouted. "Run into one of the buildings!"  
  
They all dashed into a house and slammed the door shut behind them.  
  
"That was close!" Kirk gasped.  
  
"What are you doing in my house?" A woman's voice demanded.  
  
Kirk turned to see a girl slightly older, but shorter, than Minerva. She had blonde hair and brown eyes.  
  
"The tribbles," Kirk said. "We ran away from them." Kirk knew that sounded incredibly stupid. The woman nodded.  
  
"Those tribbles are always causing trouble. By the way, I'm Diane." She glanced over at Spock. "Rather interesting friend you got there."  
  
"I'm James Kirk," Kirk began. "This is Doctor McCoy, Spock, and Minerva."  
  
"Pleased to meet you," Diane curtseyed. The others muttered their greetings.  
  
"What's wrong with the tribbles?" Minerva asked.  
  
"They're flesh-eating tribbles," Diane explained. "They eat everything in their paths."  
  
"Similar to Army Ants in the rainforests on Earth," Spock said. Diane nodded.  
  
"They would be interesting to study," Minerva said. Spock nodded in agreement.  
  
"You know, I always liked Tribbles," Kirk said. "They serviced many purposes. They made that really cool cracking sound when you stepped on them, and they made great basketballs. Who could've known that they'd be flesh-eating monsters?"  
  
"Indeed," Minerva said, slightly confused.  
  
"Captain, I believe by scanning their genetic structure we could find out how they became this way and possibly a way to rectify them and return them to their more docile state," Spock said.  
  
"Sounds neat-o!" Kirk said. "Bones, Minerva, help him out."  
  
"Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tribble caretaker!"  
  
"Come on, Bones," Minerva said. McCoy shrugged and followed them out.  
  
"So what do WE do?" Diane asked.  
  
"I have an idea," Kirk said. He bent and whispered something in her ear. Her eyes widened and she slapped Kirk right across the face. "JEEZE!" Kirk exclaimed. "What IS it with you women? All females are supposed to find me irresistible and be dumb as stumps! What is UP with that?"  
  
"Come on, Jimmy," Diane said, rolling her eyes. "Which planets have YOU been to?"  
  
Kirk went off into a corner to pout.  
  
Meanwhile, out in the street, Spock, Minerva and McCoy were doing something that was WORTH doing.  
  
There were tribbles everywhere. It seemed as if they were asleep, because none of them were moving, but they could hear sounds coming from them. Spock and Minerva scanned some of the tribbles while McCoy made sure they (the tribbles) wouldn't sneak up on the three humanoids.  
  
"Fascinating," Minerva and Spock chorused.  
  
"You two are meant for each other," McCoy groaned. Spock and Minerva glanced at each other and returned their gazes back to their tricorders.  
  
"Look at how irregular their genes are," Minerva said.  
  
"Indeed," Spock said. "So irregular, and yet every single tribble has the exact same makeup! They must have been genetically engineered."  
  
"What do you think happened?" McCoy asked. "Science project gone wrong?"  
  
"Hardly," an old man said, walking over to them gingerly so as not to wake the tribbles.  
  
"Could you please. Ow. Ow." Minerva said. "Ow ow OW!"  
  
McCoy looked down and saw a small tribble nibbling on Minerva's ankle. McCoy stomped on it and it made a really cool "ISQUOI/Icarack!" sound.  
  
"Wow, that is fun," McCoy admitted.  
  
"That's nothing," the old man said. "Put them in a pot of boiling water and keep them in there until they stop screaming. Or they taste really good when you shove them in a bag and slam them against a tree a few times. You don't have as much 'crunch' in your tribble, and it relieves more stress than just stepping on them. Plus, it doesn't leave that unsightly heel print-"  
  
"Excuse me sir," Spock said. "Do you know anything about the tribbles?"  
  
"I'll tell you everything," the old man said.  
  
Spock, Minerva and McCoy all came into the house where Kirk and Diane were .  
  
"Did you find anything?" Kirk asked. Spock nodded.  
  
"The tribbles were genetically engineeredby a man in this city," Spock said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Apparently," Minerva started. "A man wanted to use them as guard animals. I think it's stupid that tribbles would make good animals to threaten trespassers." Spock nodded his agreement.  
  
"So what are we going to do about the tribbles?" Diane asked.  
  
"You will DIE!" A tall, threatening man stood in the doorway.  
  
"I do not see that as an option," Spock said.  
  
The man stepped into the house, guns pointed at the small group. He wore a bright red jacket with black pants and a cowboy hat.  
  
"It's an old west Redshirt!" McCoy said excitedly.  
  
"Why do you wish to kill us?" Spock asked.  
  
"You know the secret of the tribbles," the redshirt replied.  
  
"Why?" Diane asked.  
  
"Because it's a plot hole."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"How about a duel?" Kirk dared.  
  
"Jim, no!" McCoy said, pretending to care.  
  
"Outside," Kirk continued. "Right now."  
  
"Very well," the old west redshirt said.  
  
The two men stood a hundred paces away from each other.  
  
"Draw, sucka!" Redshirt said.  
  
The redshirt drew and shot first and hit Jim right in the stomach. His shirt ripped, but then the bullet fell out and the wound healed. Kirk shot the redshirt and the redshirt fell to the ground.  
  
"Death is irrelevant," Kirk said. "You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile."  
  
The others gave him a strange look. Kirk grinned sheepishly.  
  
McCoy walked over to the redshirt and felt for a pulse. He promptly announced, "He's dead, Jim."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Captain, what do you suggest we do about the tribbles?" Spock asked.  
  
"Kill them," Kirk said, cackling evilly. "KILL THEM ALL!!"  
  
"Could WE handle this one, Jimmy?" Minerva asked.  
  
"Fine, I suppose."  
  
* * *  
  
Spock and Minerva were in the bio lab discussing ideas for the trouble with the man-eating tribbles.  
  
"And so," Spock said. "By emitting the wave at this intensity and speed, it should permanently alter the tribbles' personalities to it's peaceful, natural state." Minerva nodded.  
  
"I'll have it ready soon," she said, getting up.  
  
Soon indeed! Five minutes later, Minerva looked up from the science station and reported all she had to do was press the button.  
  
"Make it so!" Kirk said with a cheesy British accent. Minerva nodded.  
  
"Sir transmission from the planet," Uhura reported. "They're reporting that all tribble hostilities have ceased."  
  
"Excellent!" Kirk said. "Let's beam down and say goodbye to that charming dame, Diane."  
  
Kirk, Spock, and McCoy all stood before Diane, saying their goodbyes. Diane gave Spock the Vulcan salute, and hugged McCoy.  
  
"How about a kiss for the brave man who saved the planet?" Kirk asked.  
  
Diane nodded.  
  
"I suppose that would be nice," she said.  
  
Kirk puckered up, but Diane went over to Spock and kissed him square on the lips. She went back to Kirk. "Here's one for the road," Diane said, bringing her knee up and hitting him between his legs.  
  
Kirk sat in the center seat with Spock on his left and McCoy on his right.  
  
"Well, we've once again violated the Prime Directive to save a planet from a pathetic threat," Kirk said.  
  
"Indeed," Spock said.  
  
"Well aren't YOU proud of yourself?" Kirk muttered.  
  
"As I believe humans say in these cases, 'I GOT SOME!'"  
  
"McCoy, do you thin there's one woman out there that I'll eventually want to settle down with and have children with?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Dammit Jim!" Bones snapped. "I'm a Doctor, not a miracle worker!"  
  
"Oh, shut up."  
  
THE END! YOU FREAKING PIRATE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
But there are more chapters to come! LOOK FORWARD FOR "Spock and Eggnog!!"  
  
WHEE HOO! 


	3. Spock and Eggnog

bAuthor's Note:/b Because of the threat of being eaten by a man-eating tribble, I have decided to put up the newest. uh, thing in the Spoof Trek Saga. It's called "Spock and Eggnog." It's about Spock. and eggnog. DOI! ;) Well anyway, I'm glad that all of you are enjoying my silly spoofs on the greatest sci-fi series of all time. YAY! WE LOVE YOU CAST OF STAR TREK!  
  
*Hugs Leonard Nimoy*  
  
Leonard: Excuse me young lady, but. what are you DOING?  
  
Arana: I'm hugging one of my favorite people (besides my readers!)!  
  
Leonard: I see. Well, I'm very flattered and all, but you're crushing my spleen.  
  
Arana: Oh. Sorry man. Is your squiddly-spooch okay?  
  
Leonard: It was my SPLEEN.  
  
Arana: That's what I said, squiddly-spooch.  
  
Leonard: Freak.  
  
Arana: Why tank yew!  
  
ON WITH THE STORY! AHOO!  
  
center"Spock and Eggnog"/center  
  
"What do you know," McCoy said, chewing on something. "Those tribbles DO taste good after you step on them!"  
  
"Um. McCoy?" Kirk said, walking up and standing next to his medical officer. "That wasn't a tribble. That was a crewman."  
  
"Well how about that!" McCoy said, looking down at the dead crewman at his feet. "I wonder how I got those two mixed up." He looked up at Jim and grinned.  
  
Kirk smiled and patted McCoy on the head. He walked away, muttering something about a senile old fool. Kirk went over to Minerva, who was pondering her shoes.  
  
"Hi," Kirk said, leaning against the wall beside her.  
  
"Did he kill ANOTHER one?" Minerva asked. Kirk nodded. Minerva rolled her eyes. "That's the third one in the last week!"  
  
"I know," Kirk said. "What a fricken sicko."  
  
A strange, bald-headed man walked up and put his hands on his hips.  
  
"Excuse me," the bald man said. "But you did NOT just say 'fricken,' okay? Fricken is MY word, so don't even go there!" Baldie snapped his fingers and did a weird little head-wiggle. Minerva and Kirk stared at him.  
  
"Who ARE you?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Oh come on!" the bald man said. "Throw me a fricken bone here! I'm Dr. Evil! Only the biggest wanna-be evil character of the late twentieth and early twenty-first century!"  
  
"Oh, well sorry we aren't up-to-date on things that happened more than A HUNDRED YEARS AGO!" Minerva said, crossing her arms.  
  
"I'm in the twenty-second century?" Dr. Evil asked. Minerva and Kirk nodded. Dr. Evil became spastic. "Whoa, so. what is this, 'Star Trek?' Like, the best science fiction television series EVER?"  
  
"Actually," Minerva began. "It is a parody, or spoof, of the popular 'Star Trek' series circa 1966-69. A BAD fan fiction written by a hopeless teenager with too much time on her hands."  
  
"Hey, I heard that!" A nagging voice said from out of nowhere. "That hurts!"  
  
"Who was that?" Dr. Evil asked.  
  
"The hopeless teenager with too much time on her hands," Minerva replied casually.  
  
"I see." Dr. Evil scanned the crowd and spotted a sexy Yeoman. "Excuse me for a moment."  
  
After a long pause, Kirk looked over at Minerva and grinned.  
  
"Hey, wanna throw McCoy out of an airlock?" he asked.  
  
"What good would it do?" Minerva asked. "Death is only temporary for us."  
  
"Good point."  
  
They were all onboard the IEnterprise/I having their annual Christmas party they held in the Officer's Lounge. Though it wasn't ACTUALLY Christmas, they were having a good time, except for the unfortunate crewmembers who had fallen victim to McCoy's pointless cannibalism he'd recently developed.  
  
Spock staggered up to Kirk and Minerva holding a glass of Eggnog.  
  
"Wow, this stuff is great!" Spock said, his speech slightly slurred.  
  
"Spock, you'd better be careful," Minerva warned. "Eggnog has alcohol in it. You shouldn't drink too much." Spock scoffed and said, "Too much? What're you talking about?" He hiccupped.  
  
"How many have you had, Spock?" Kirk asked.  
  
"Well this here is my 412th glass!" Spock replied.  
  
"Ah, and that's not too much?" Jim said, his voice thick with sarcasm.  
  
"No.." Spock said. He turned to Minerva. "Have I ever told you I think you're one sexy mammerjammer?"  
  
"Okay, I think you've had enough, Spock," Minerva said, taking the glass from him.  
  
"How come I get a knee in the crotch whenever I do something like that?" Kirk asked like a jealous child.  
  
"Because Spock here isn't a pervert," Minerva shot back.  
  
"Gimmie back my drink!" Spock said, trying to snatch the drink from Minerva's hands. He tripped somehow and ended up in Kirk's arms. He looked up at Kirk and winked. Then he turned his gaze to the lounge door. "Ooh! Look at the monkeys!"  
  
"Spock, let's get you back to your room so you can get some sleep," Minerva said, tugging on Spock's arm.  
  
"What?!" Spock whipped around, staring her straight in the eye. "When there's BACON outside? NEVER!"  
  
Spock left the lounge and entered the turbo-lift, laughing like a madman the whole time.  
  
"I'd better go get him," Minerva said, leaving to go after the crazed Vulcan.  
  
* * *  
  
Spock entered Yeoman Rand's room. He slipped into the shadows of the dimly lit quarters. She had taken off her blonde Beehive wig and set it on the table in front of her and was playing with her REAL hair, which was Carrot Top red.  
  
"Yeoman," Spock whispered from the shadows. Yeoman Rand whipped around, unnecessary fear in her eyes.  
  
"Spock!" She gasped. "What is it?"  
  
"I've been waiting to do this for a long time.."  
  
He walked towards her, hands outstretched and unending desire in his eyes. Yeoman Rand could only get out a small shriek before the dastardly deed had begun.  
  
Minerva tried her best to track Spock down, but every time she arrived to an area Spock had visited, Spock was already gone. She finally reached Spock as he was closing in on Kirk's head.  
  
"Spock, STOP!" Minerva cried, grabbing Spock before he could perform whatever evil scheme he had planned for Kirk.  
  
"What is it?" Spock demanded with his slurred voice. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something here?"  
  
"Spock, you can't do this," Minerva said, shaking him. She reached into a small pack that had magically appeared on her back and pulled out Rand's hairpiece, its intricately woven pieces of hair pulled apart. "Was it logical to destroy Rand's hairpiece?"  
  
"SCREW LOGIC!!" Spock screamed. "I'm DRUNK OFF MY ASS! I can do ANYTHING!"  
  
"Spock," Minerva said, pondering something a moment. "Were you drinking the eggnog in the bowl on the left or right?"  
  
"The left," Spock said. "Whassat gotta do with anything?"  
  
"That was NON-ALCOHOLIC eggnog."  
  
A sudden clarity came over Spock's crazed eyes. He backed away and said sheepishly, "Oh." He looked at Kirk. "I was going to do something really good, too. Poo!"  
  
"What were you going to do?" Minerva asked. Spock leaned over and whispered something in her ear. An evil grin slowly spread across Minerva's face.  
  
"Well in THAT case."  
  
Spock and Minerva both turned and closed in on Kirk. Kirk's eyes widened in fear.  
  
"N-Now come on guys, don't do anything stupid now." Kirk said, backing into a corner. "Guys..? GUYS!"  
  
Spock looked at Minerva. Minerva nodded. Her hand shot out and she grabbed the hairpiece on Kirk's head. She slammed it against the wall. It stuck there. Kirk promptly fainted.  
  
"Will you do the honors, Mr. Spock?" She asked. Spock nodded and pulled out a match. He lit it and set the toupee aflame. Spock and Minerva watched it burn with a silent satisfaction.  
  
"Now that Kirk knows it was non-alcoholic eggnog," Spock said, becoming his logical self again. "What will we tell him and the crew about our momentary lapse of sanity?"  
  
Minerva thought a moment, then said, "Blame it on IPon Farr./I"  
  
"But you are not Vulcan," Spock pointed out.  
  
"I am now."  
  
bTHE END!/b  
  
bFinal Note:/b You know, I think I should've named it "Spoof Trek Episode III: Spock Attacks the Hairpieces." Eh, oh well. "Spock and Eggnog" will have to do.  
  
Well, this one wasn't as long as the other ones, but hopefully it was AS entertaining. *crosses fingers*  
  
Look forward to "The OTHER Way To Enden."  
  
Space Hippe: OTHERWISE, YOU'LL BE A IHERBERT!/I 


End file.
